44. #DearMe

Hey guys, this blog is a pretty personal one.
Just a warning.

So the 8rd of March was international Women's Day.

A bunch of my favourite female YouTuber's took part and offered up some great advice that they would give to their 13 year old selves if they could.
The hope being that people around the world can use this advice and reflections to help enrich their own lives, and make life easier to deal with

The concept is awesome and I honestly feel that it transcends any gender barriers.

I don't think what I'll write about my life would garner much attention, or be of much use, so i decided to consign it to here.

So.
#DearMe

Hey kid.
13 is the transition where you start becoming who you are in 2015, and probably forever.
For the most part I think you'll be pleased.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news though, the next few years are going to be really, really tough.
Dad's going to find himself in some serious health trouble. He'll be okay, but the after effects of this defining moment are going to shred everything you ever thought you knew about your family, and no one will be the same after this chain of events.
A couple of years down the road Mom and Dad are going to split up.
Life gets really fucking complicated after this, and you won't really talk to anyone about this for far too long.
If I had to pick one singular thing for you do differently, this would be it.
Don't hold it in.
You'll just retreat into yourself, and become a never ending source of hate, negativity, cynicism and paranoia.
I mean, sure, there is a positive, enigmatic and charismatic kid in there somewhere, but honestly, when people think of you that isn't what they'll associate with you.

As well as this you need to accept yourself for who you are.

I know you already have a very low amount of self esteem.
All those dickheads who treat you like shit, bully you, make you their running jokes, well, in the end you just don't really give a shit about them. When you grow up you just won't think of them the vast majority of the time.

However the damage they do now will haunt you forever if you let it.

You need to know that who you will become is actually a pretty decent guy, but if he had spent less time worrying about what other people thought about him, he would have had a much happier and constructive time in the years between then and now.
All of the problems you have, all of the insecurities and  idiosyncrasies, will solve themselves if you learn to love yourself.
you haven't yet, but that doesn't mean you won't, and it doesn't mean you're not loved.
You have some absolute wankers for friends, but you wouldn't trade them for the world, even if they're the least reliable bunch of bastards on a day to day basis, they will always be there for you when you really need them. You'll be there for them too.
The same goes for your family.
As much as a incoherent construct as it is, they are there for you.

While we're on the subject of being yourself, you should never throw away your dreams because 'they aren't employable' because if you sacrifice who you are, you won't be happy, also spoilers, your employable career path has yet to land you employment in that field.

That's not to say that it won't. You just have to want it, and do your best each and every day and you will get there.

The world is very different today than it was in 2002. The best part of that is that you can do what makes you happy for a living (yes, even play video games).
So when you eventually get to you A Levels in Art in 2007, and you don't think their methods are constructive or intuitive to how you think Art is done, stick with that conviction and carry on outside of academia.
You'll regret the skills you'll lose from inactivity when you come back to that way of thinking.

Everything kinda levels out. 
You're tough enough to deal with what life throws at you, even when it feels like you're not.

Another curve ball that hits you is when Cindy dies.
That cat was as old as you.
Some people will question why this matters to you, people who should know better.

Cindy was an anchor. A safety net.

Everything went to shit. Everything changed.
But every time you came home, you knew if you went to Dad's you'd find her, vegging out on the window ledge.
She was your constant, and again, life just isn't the same after she's gone.
You just never feel as grounded as you used to.

The best thing you've done for yourself is taking pictures of her.
She'll be with you forever as a reminder that life was simple once.
A reminder of that some things never change.


Your life will take twists and turns, have highs and lows.
You'll make more mistakes and bad judgement calls that you care to mention.
The people who are meant to love you are going to fuck you up in the worst way.
Over, and over.
And you'll let this haunt you forever.
 Sometimes you'll feel isolated and like giving in. But you wont. That isn't who you are.
You are stronger than that, even if you have to rant and rage about things sometimes.
These negative experiences and emotions will destroy you if you let them.
Everyone has the strength inside them to grab this negativity and wrestle it into a semblance of calm.
This is the positive aspects of your life asserting themselves, and yeah, sometimes you'll think that there are none, but they exist. You will always have things to be thankful for, you just have to find them, and never, ever, be afraid to ask your friends, family or anyone else to help you find them.
Everything in life is a lesson, and the hardest lessons always teach you the most.
They'll mold who you are and shape your future.

I say this last part to you as much as I do to myself, or anyone else who reads this; Your life is in your own hands. You are the master of your own fate, your destiny, your  life.


So chin up. It doesn't get better for a long time, and hell, it isn't fantastic now.
I know it sounds bleak.
But you make it.

You're still here.

Your family, as fractured as it is, is still here.
Your friends are still here, even if they've moved around the country and you don't even see some of them anymore.

You'll have hope, dreams, plans and the freedom to do them.
And that itself is pretty awesome.


Oh. one more thing. When you're 18/19 and learning to drive. JUST FUCKING FINISH THE BASTARD THINGS. I'll thank you later.

-DH-