Friday, 12 August 2016

86. Dear Diary...

This is one of those more self reflecting blog posts, more like a diary entry...

My head has been all over the place recently.
A lot of bad things seem to have decided to happen all at once, and fate has decided it's going to do its very best at blocking all attempts at recovery.

Obviously Brexit annoyed the ever loving fuck out of me.
That's a given.

But since then it just seems like everything has hit a downward spiral.

I smashed the front wheel of my car into a curb, wrecking two tires in the process, which was fantastic.

Then I got made redundant.
The job I've spent 3 to 4 years trying to get back in to.
They're closing the store I work at, and opening a single staffed store at another location.

So, yeah... that's been pretty shit.
Having to job hunt is soul destroying.
Doing it with an unemployment deadline hanging over your head is far to much pressure.

To top it all off, my social life just keeps taking a beating.
I feel like I did years ago... during and after University.
That crushing sense of loneliness that goes hand in hand with everyone you ever feel anything for either being a total dickbag to you, or just generally disregarding you for reasons.

All of this has just lead to this bad mood I just can't seem to shift.
Today I feel totally defeated and down, and the only thing I have to console me is myself and the void that is the internet.

I just don't get it.
When others in my life are down I do my damnedest to be there for them... to help them and to occasionally surprise them with things to keep their mood up.
But no one seems to think to do those things for me anymore.
They just get mad at me for being annoyed when they trample all over me.

And then I have to go to a job I don't have anymore, and pretend to be as happy as fuck when people ask about the store moving.

It is draining my will to keep this up, and there is no sight of someone who will help me through it, because taking these hits alone is soul destroying.

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