Monday, 8 May 2017

115. So what happened?

I think I've been putting off this update for a very long time, as it's a bit of a personal one, and quite hard to quantify while I was going through the worst of it.

I fell off the wagon a bit.

Without sounding like some hipster, new age stereotype, it's taken a lot of soul searching, self reflection and critical analysis (because it wouldn't be me otherwise, right?) to fully comprehend what the fuck happened to my state of being.

I think I've been forced to admit that, fundamentally, there is something more, something deeper going on in my life other than surface tensions, events and set backs.

I've known for a long time I'm a hyper critical, over analytical, over thinking, self deprecating individual.
I usually shrug this off as me being 'realistic' and 'aware,' but I think I have to acknowledge that it's something more.
I'm no Doctor, so I'm not going to self diagnose (at least, not with any conviction or certainty), but it's safe to say my mental health hasn't been the best, and maybe it never really has.

That's where the past...past comes in to play.

Being made redundant from my job in September/ October, gaining weight, drifting of social groups, lack of romantic attention, having friends manipulate me or others perceptions of me...
Everything on it's own is probably a problem I can deal with, but combined, they've just eaten away at my mental fortitude because of that hyper critical, self deprecating attitude I carry around with me.

Fast forward to the last 2 months.
I finally got a job. I thought I was moving forward.
But all that happened was I've taken a massive step backwards.
This new job exhausted me; physically and mentally.
Long hours, long monotonous drives, lack of mental engagement for the most part and then sudden, intense and highly stressful at others (pro tip, avoid driving in London).
Within the 6 weeks of doing this job I'd had all of the mental seals that hold my temper in check broken, I'd put on considerable weight (for me at any rate) and I was permanently exhausted and frustrated.
It got to the point that, whilst driving to London, I fell asleep at the wheel on the motorway.
This in itself is bad enough, but the very same thing happened the next day.

When this happened I knew my position was untenable: the effects it was having on my mental and physical state were too taxing for me, and totally not worth risking my life for.
I am aware that others do jobs like this all that time, and that's fair enough, but it just isn't something I can do.
More to the point, it wasn't something I was willing to put myself through just for the sake of money.

So I quit.
And with it I quit, well, everything.

You'll have noticed I stopped updating this blog, I stopped updating my hobby blog and I've taken two weeks off streaming.

I've needed it.
To rebuild my state of mind.
To clear my head.
To control my anger and frustration.

And I've started to feel the benefit of that.

I need to keep pushing forward and keep working on it.
The next step is to make progress on my physical shape, and probably to see a Doctor.

This all sounds like a success story; a tale of mental fortitude, but it isn't.
It's a tale of how fragile life can be, and how inconsequential things, if left alone, will fucking eat you alive if you don't deal with them.

Despite all the progress I've made in the last two weeks I'm still anxious, I'm still over thinking things I have literally no control over and I'm still a self deprecating, over critical mess.
I couldn't sleep last night because every time I did I was greeted by sleep paralysis style night terrors.

A lot of people I know are having problems right now, and this is my advice to you and them;
Don't suffer in silence, and don't suffer alone.
Build a support network of family and friends.
Speak to a Doctor and if necessary get therapy, medication...

Realise that the most important part of your life is yourself.
Sometimes you just have to focus on you; what you want, what will make you happy and ultimately, what you need.


That's all I got.
I'll try to get back to doing more interesting stuff again, but with the above in mind I'm making no promises.

-DH-


Monday, 3 April 2017

114. 03/04/2017 - Weekly Twitch Schedule.

03/04/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).

I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

++Channel Update++


The Stream Labs alerts have all been updated.

As of this week they'll all be Pokémon themed.

Tune in to check them out in action!

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).

We started sketching out Mipha the Zora Princess from The Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild.

#WifiWednesday
@ 8PM UK time - Probably going to hit up some Rocket League with folks from The Bross Discord.

If you want to join in follow this channel and join The discord - https://discord.gg/0yS7safXOiUbQBKg

#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through!

Victory road is a bitch!

Side note, we'll hit 75 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!

-DH-


 

Monday, 27 March 2017

113. 27/03/2017 - Weekly Twitch Schedule.

27/03/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).
I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

++Channel Update++

The Stream Labs alerts have all been updated.
As of this week they'll all be Pokémon themed.
Tune in to check them out in action!

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).

We started sketching out Mipha the Zora Princess from The Legend of Zelda, Breath of the Wild.


#WifiWednesday @ 8PM UK time - Probably going to hit up some Rocket League with folks from The Bross Discord.

If you want to join in follow this channel and join The discord - https://discord.gg/0yS7safXOiUbQBKg


#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through!

Victory road is a bitch!

Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!

-DH-

Monday, 20 March 2017

112. 20/03/17 - Weekly Twitch Schedule.

20/03/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).

I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

++Channel Update++

The Stream Labs alerts have all been updated.
As of this week they'll all be Pokémon themed.

Tune in to check them out in action!

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).

We finished the linework for the Ork Warboss, so we'll either start a new illustration or take one of our previously requested sketches.

#WifiWednesday @ 8PM UK time - Probably going to hit up some Rocket League with folks from The Bross Discord.

If you want to join in follow this channel and join The discord - https://discord.gg/0yS7safXOiUbQBKg

#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through!
Victory road is a bitch!

Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!

-DH-

Monday, 13 March 2017

111. 13/03/17 - Weekly Twitch Schedule

13/03/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).

I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

++Channel Update++
The Stream Labs alerts have all been updated.
As of this week they'll all be Pokémon themed.

Tune in to check them out in action!

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).

If no requests are made I'll be continuing with the Warhammer 40,000 Ork Warboss digital art piece I've been working on... probably.

#WifiWednesday @ 8PM UK time - Probably going to hit up some Rocket League with folks from The Bross Discord.

If you want to join in follow this channel and join The discord - https://discord.gg/0yS7safXOiUbQBKg

#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through!

Victory road is a bitch!

Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!

-DH-

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

110. 06/02/17 - Weekly Twitch Schedule

06/02/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).

I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.
Basically, more of you turning up, regularly and often.

This will also allow me to inform you guys of changes ahead of time too!


Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).

If no requests are made I'll be continuing with the Warhammer 40,000 Ork Warboss digital art piece I've been working on... probably.


#WifiWednesday @ 8PM UK time - Probably going to hit up some Rocket League with folks from The Bross Discord.

If you want to join in follow this channel and join The discord - https://discord.gg/0yS7safXOiUbQBKg


#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through!
All badges got. Some story stuff and the Elite 4 await!

Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!


-DH-

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

109. Breaking Up The Monotony.

I know all I've posted is my Twitch Show Guides recently.

I have been active online, just not here.

If you want to check out what I've been doing hobby wise, there is a good chunk of content on my Hobby Blog: The Underhive Hero.

I've been heavily invested in my Twitch Channel (as the WKS attest to).
I've upgraded each and every stream to have their own personal open/end slates, sourced fitting music for each show and spent some time developing my Discord server to help better 'my' community.
I guess it's starting to pay off. I average a follower a week.
I'd be very happy if I can get 100 followers in my first year.

With this commitment to streaming has come additional content for my YouTube.
Pokémon Uranium is progressing well, and while growth is slow here, I am still occasionally gaining followers.
I'm trying to figure out how to/ what to do for YouTube exclusive content.
I have a few ideas, so we'll have to see how it goes.



I'm genuinely sorry that I've not felt the urge to write anything here.
It's not that there isn't stuff to write about either...

The world is fucking falling apart.

Brexit. Theresa May. Trump


The western world is burning itself to the ground; Nationalism is the cry, but Fascism is the result.

The world and it's populace have exceed my capacity for stupid.
I'm burned out explaining, debating and arguing with people who just yell 'that's your opinion' or 'fake news.'

I need time to recharge, but unemployment isn't exactly a fitting environment for that.

It'll all come together in time.
I know it.

But right now, I feel like I'm in a rut and there isn't a way out.
Every aspect of my life has major problems and I have no solutions, other than to watching on while everything crumbles around me.

My creativity levels and suffering levels rise in tandem.
What's getting me down, is that I'm sure people should know this...
But while I get folk congratulate me on my hobby/ art/ whatever else, no one even asks the question...


Anyway, ramble ramble ramble.

I'll leave you with something that sums up my whole existence for the past few years, and probably the next few.

Passing Through A Screen Door - The Wonder Years.


Cigarette smoke dances back in the window,
And I can see the haze on the dome light
I'm conjuring ghosts on a forty hour ride home,
And they keep asking me what I'm doing with my life.

While my cousins go to bed with their wives.
I'm feeling like I've fallen behind.

Well, the highway won
I'm listening to traffic reports one on one
Coming quietly undone.
I was born to run
Away from anything good.
An escape artist's son
Sun-drenched pavement in my blood

The first thing that I do when I walk in is find a way out for when shit gets bad and...

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

Well I'm still afraid
Like a kid in the sixties
Staring at the sky
Waiting for the bomb to fall.
And it's all a lie
What they say about stability.
It scares me sometimes
The emptiness I see in my eyes.

And all the kids names I've ever liked recited tragedy.
Well, I don't want my children growing up to be anything like me.

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd say.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.

I keep a flashlight
And a small knife
In the corner of my bed stand.
I keep a flashlight
And the train times
But you wouldn't understand.
How could you understand?

Jesus Christ. I'm 26.
All the people I graduated with,
All have kids,
All have wives,
All have people who care if they come home at night.

Well, Jesus Christ, did I fuck up?

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.


Peace.

-DH-

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

108. 27/02/17 - Weekly Twitch Schedule

27/02/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).
I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

Basically, more of you turning up, regularly and often.

This will also allow me to inform you guys of changes ahead of time too!
Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).
If no requests are made I'll be continuing with the Warhammer 40,000 Ork Warboss digital art piece I've been working on... probably.

#WifiWednesday @ 8PM UK time - Probably going to hit up some Rocket League with folks from The Bross Discord.
If you want to join in follow this channel and join The discord - https://discord.gg/0yS7safXOiUbQBKg

#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through!
All badges got. Some story stuff and the Elite 4 await!

Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)


That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!

-DH-

Monday, 20 February 2017

107. 20/02/17 - Weekly Twitch Schedule.

20/02/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).

I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

Basically, more of you turning up, regularly and often.

This will also allow me to inform you guys of changes ahead of time too!
Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).
If no requests are made I'll be continuing with the Warhammer 40,000 Ork Warboss digital art piece I've been working on... probably.

#WifiWednesday @ Cancelled - I'm going to Warhammer World this Wednesday, and probably wont be back in time. Rather than delay the stream and keep you folks waiting for a unspecified amount of time, I thought I'd just call it off this week.

#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home stretch of our Pokémon Uranium play through. Gotta get that last badge!
Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!

-DH-

Monday, 13 February 2017

106. 13/02/2017 - Weekly Twitch Schedule.

13/02/2017

Start of the week #Twitch #Stream schedule announcement!

Each week I'll announce the weeks planned content in line with my schedule (8PM Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday).

I'm hoping this way folks who want to come and watch can plan ahead of time, encouraging a more interactive community and concurrent viewership.

Basically, more of you turning up, regularly and often.

This will also allow me to inform you guys of changes ahead of time too!

Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think

We are back to our usual scheduling!
Yay!


So this week's shows;

#TechnicalTuesday @ 8 PM UK time - Feel free to request a Sketch for the show via my Revlo (revlo.co/darkhazzl3).

If no requests are made I'll be continuing with the Warhammer 40,000 Ork Warboss digital art piece I've been working on... probably.

#WifiWednesday @ 8 PM UK time - Open to suggestions. Failing that Going to try and grab the weekly loot boxes on Overwatch or play Atlas Reactor.
Also, considering RuneScape for lolz

#FreeForAllThursday @ 8PM UK time - We're on the home strect of our Pokémon Uranium play through.

Side note, we hit 50 Episodes of Pokémon Uranium on YouTube!  (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHPwzBsQTsdBNwVxXCYWjRQ)

That's the plan, but remember to stay tuned to this section, and follow me @DarKHaZZl3 on Twitter for any further announcements.

See you when we go live!
-DH-