Monday, 8 May 2017

101. So what happened?

I think I've been putting off this update for a very long time, as it's a bit of a personal one, and quite hard to quantify while I was going through the worst of it.

I fell off the wagon a bit.

Without sounding like some hipster, new age stereotype, it's taken a lot of soul searching, self reflection and critical analysis (because it wouldn't be me otherwise, right?) to fully comprehend what the fuck happened to my state of being.

I think I've been forced to admit that, fundamentally, there is something more, something deeper going on in my life other than surface tensions, events and set backs.

I've known for a long time I'm a hyper critical, over analytical, over thinking, self deprecating individual.
I usually shrug this off as me being 'realistic' and 'aware,' but I think I have to acknowledge that it's something more.
I'm no Doctor, so I'm not going to self diagnose (at least, not with any conviction or certainty), but it's safe to say my mental health hasn't been the best, and maybe it never really has.

That's where the past...past comes in to play.

Being made redundant from my job in September/ October, gaining weight, drifting of social groups, lack of romantic attention, having friends manipulate me or others perceptions of me...
Everything on it's own is probably a problem I can deal with, but combined, they've just eaten away at my mental fortitude because of that hyper critical, self deprecating attitude I carry around with me.

Fast forward to the last 2 months.
I finally got a job. I thought I was moving forward.
But all that happened was I've taken a massive step backwards.
This new job exhausted me; physically and mentally.
Long hours, long monotonous drives, lack of mental engagement for the most part and then sudden, intense and highly stressful at others (pro tip, avoid driving in London).
Within the 6 weeks of doing this job I'd had all of the mental seals that hold my temper in check broken, I'd put on considerable weight (for me at any rate) and I was permanently exhausted and frustrated.
It got to the point that, whilst driving to London, I fell asleep at the wheel on the motorway.
This in itself is bad enough, but the very same thing happened the next day.

When this happened I knew my position was untenable: the effects it was having on my mental and physical state were too taxing for me, and totally not worth risking my life for.
I am aware that others do jobs like this all that time, and that's fair enough, but it just isn't something I can do.
More to the point, it wasn't something I was willing to put myself through just for the sake of money.

So I quit.
And with it I quit, well, everything.

You'll have noticed I stopped updating this blog, I stopped updating my hobby blog and I've taken two weeks off streaming.

I've needed it.
To rebuild my state of mind.
To clear my head.
To control my anger and frustration.

And I've started to feel the benefit of that.

I need to keep pushing forward and keep working on it.
The next step is to make progress on my physical shape, and probably to see a Doctor.

This all sounds like a success story; a tale of mental fortitude, but it isn't.
It's a tale of how fragile life can be, and how inconsequential things, if left alone, will fucking eat you alive if you don't deal with them.

Despite all the progress I've made in the last two weeks I'm still anxious, I'm still over thinking things I have literally no control over and I'm still a self deprecating, over critical mess.
I couldn't sleep last night because every time I did I was greeted by sleep paralysis style night terrors.

A lot of people I know are having problems right now, and this is my advice to you and them;
Don't suffer in silence, and don't suffer alone.
Build a support network of family and friends.
Speak to a Doctor and if necessary get therapy, medication...

Realise that the most important part of your life is yourself.
Sometimes you just have to focus on you; what you want, what will make you happy and ultimately, what you need.

That's all I got.
I'll try to get back to doing more interesting stuff again, but with the above in mind I'm making no promises.


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