101. So what happened?

I think I've been putting off this update for a very long time, as it's a bit of a personal one, and quite hard to quantify while I was going through the worst of it.

I fell off the wagon a bit.

Without sounding like some hipster, new age stereotype, it's taken a lot of soul searching, self reflection and critical analysis (because it wouldn't be me otherwise, right?) to fully comprehend what the fuck happened to my state of being.

I think I've been forced to admit that, fundamentally, there is something more, something deeper going on in my life other than surface tensions, events and set backs.

I've known for a long time I'm a hyper critical, over analytical, over thinking, self deprecating individual.
I usually shrug this off as me being 'realistic' and 'aware,' but I think I have to acknowledge that it's something more.
I'm no Doctor, so I'm not going to self diagnose (at least, not with any conviction or certainty), but it's safe to say my mental health hasn't been the best, and maybe it never really has.

That's where the past...past comes in to play.

Being made redundant from my job in September/ October, gaining weight, drifting of social groups, lack of romantic attention, having friends manipulate me or others perceptions of me...
Everything on it's own is probably a problem I can deal with, but combined, they've just eaten away at my mental fortitude because of that hyper critical, self deprecating attitude I carry around with me.

Fast forward to the last 2 months.
I finally got a job. I thought I was moving forward.
But all that happened was I've taken a massive step backwards.
This new job exhausted me; physically and mentally.
Long hours, long monotonous drives, lack of mental engagement for the most part and then sudden, intense and highly stressful at others (pro tip, avoid driving in London).
Within the 6 weeks of doing this job I'd had all of the mental seals that hold my temper in check broken, I'd put on considerable weight (for me at any rate) and I was permanently exhausted and frustrated.
It got to the point that, whilst driving to London, I fell asleep at the wheel on the motorway.
This in itself is bad enough, but the very same thing happened the next day.

When this happened I knew my position was untenable: the effects it was having on my mental and physical state were too taxing for me, and totally not worth risking my life for.
I am aware that others do jobs like this all that time, and that's fair enough, but it just isn't something I can do.
More to the point, it wasn't something I was willing to put myself through just for the sake of money.

So I quit.
And with it I quit, well, everything.

You'll have noticed I stopped updating this blog, I stopped updating my hobby blog and I've taken two weeks off streaming.

I've needed it.
To rebuild my state of mind.
To clear my head.
To control my anger and frustration.

And I've started to feel the benefit of that.

I need to keep pushing forward and keep working on it.
The next step is to make progress on my physical shape, and probably to see a Doctor.

This all sounds like a success story; a tale of mental fortitude, but it isn't.
It's a tale of how fragile life can be, and how inconsequential things, if left alone, will fucking eat you alive if you don't deal with them.

Despite all the progress I've made in the last two weeks I'm still anxious, I'm still over thinking things I have literally no control over and I'm still a self deprecating, over critical mess.
I couldn't sleep last night because every time I did I was greeted by sleep paralysis style night terrors.

A lot of people I know are having problems right now, and this is my advice to you and them;
Don't suffer in silence, and don't suffer alone.
Build a support network of family and friends.
Speak to a Doctor and if necessary get therapy, medication...

Realise that the most important part of your life is yourself.
Sometimes you just have to focus on you; what you want, what will make you happy and ultimately, what you need.


That's all I got.
I'll try to get back to doing more interesting stuff again, but with the above in mind I'm making no promises.

-DH-

100. Breaking Up The Monotony.

I know all I've posted is my Twitch Show Guides recently.

I have been active online, just not here.

If you want to check out what I've been doing hobby wise, there is a good chunk of content on my Hobby Blog: The Underhive Hero.

I've been heavily invested in my Twitch Channel (as the WKS attest to).
I've upgraded each and every stream to have their own personal open/end slates, sourced fitting music for each show and spent some time developing my Discord server to help better 'my' community.
I guess it's starting to pay off. I average a follower a week.
I'd be very happy if I can get 100 followers in my first year.

With this commitment to streaming has come additional content for my YouTube.
Pokémon Uranium is progressing well, and while growth is slow here, I am still occasionally gaining followers.
I'm trying to figure out how to/ what to do for YouTube exclusive content.
I have a few ideas, so we'll have to see how it goes.


I'm genuinely sorry that I've not felt the urge to write anything here.
It's not that there isn't stuff to write about either...

The world is fucking falling apart.

Brexit. Theresa May. Trump

The western world is burning itself to the ground; Nationalism is the cry, but Fascism is the result.

The world and it's populace have exceed my capacity for stupid.
I'm burned out explaining, debating and arguing with people who just yell 'that's your opinion' or 'fake news.'

I need time to recharge, but unemployment isn't exactly a fitting environment for that.

It'll all come together in time.
I know it.

But right now, I feel like I'm in a rut and there isn't a way out.
Every aspect of my life has major problems and I have no solutions, other than to watching on while everything crumbles around me.

My creativity levels and suffering levels rise in tandem.
What's getting me down, is that I'm sure people should know this...
But while I get folk congratulate me on my hobby/ art/ whatever else, no one even asks the question...

Anyway, ramble ramble ramble.

I'll leave you with something that sums up my whole existence for the past few years, and probably the next few.

Passing Through A Screen Door - The Wonder Years.



Cigarette smoke dances back in the window,
And I can see the haze on the dome light
I'm conjuring ghosts on a forty hour ride home,
And they keep asking me what I'm doing with my life.

While my cousins go to bed with their wives.
I'm feeling like I've fallen behind.

Well, the highway won
I'm listening to traffic reports one on one
Coming quietly undone.
I was born to run
Away from anything good.
An escape artist's son
Sun-drenched pavement in my blood

The first thing that I do when I walk in is find a way out for when shit gets bad and...

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

Well I'm still afraid
Like a kid in the sixties
Staring at the sky
Waiting for the bomb to fall.
And it's all a lie
What they say about stability.
It scares me sometimes
The emptiness I see in my eyes.

And all the kids names I've ever liked recited tragedy.
Well, I don't want my children growing up to be anything like me.

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd say.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.

I keep a flashlight
And a small knife
In the corner of my bed stand.
I keep a flashlight
And the train times
But you wouldn't understand.
How could you understand?

Jesus Christ. I'm 26.
All the people I graduated with,
All have kids,
All have wives,
All have people who care if they come home at night.

Well, Jesus Christ, did I fuck up?

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.


Peace.

-DH-

93. Schedule change!

This post is a bit of a media update.

I have an Inktober post coming in a few days. 
Inktober is a ink based drawing challenge in October, where you do a picture every day.
I posted them all on Instagram while I was doing them, and I'll be posting all the pictures I drew throughout Inktober on here so you can view them at your leisure.
I'm happy to say that I managed to 'technically' not miss a day.

The main point of this post is about my YouTube.
Up until now my weekly 'Free For All Thursday' Twitch stream videos have been uploaded twice a week (Monday & Friday).
I felt that this is a bit of a slow pace of uploads, especially when we're recording 4 to 5 a week while I stream.
So from now on I'll be uploading 3 of these videos a week.
The new release schedule for these videos will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Hopefully reducing the gap between videos will help folks who want to watch them feel less distanced from each episode.
I'm also hoping it will allow me some freedom to make different videos, and some YouTube exclusive content too.

Anyway, if you haven't checked out the Pokémon Uranium episodes yet head over to my channel, or just check out the Pokémon Uranium playlist.
If you catch up, them join me live of Twitch!

That's it for now.
Peace!

-DH-

91. Multimedia

As the title suggests, this post is all about Multimedia stuff.

Let's start with Twitch

I've been putting a lot more effort in to my Twitch channel lately;

A decent mic (Blue Yeti),
A decent Camera (Logitech HP 1080p),
More Ram (Now 16gb),
Better presentation (in Stream),
And better audience interaction (Discord, Steam, Revlo rewards and so on),
And the hardest part, being consistent with my schedule.

On the last part I have edited my schedule.
I will still stream 3 times a week.

Tuesday = Technical Tuesday.
Where I do more technical things.
Usually digital art, painting but sometimes Starter games and mods.

Wednesday = The Old School Video Game Show.
This is a show I usually co-host with my friend MyWallet.
We play things like Super Smash bros Melee (and mods) and a host of other old school games.

Thursday = Free For All Thursday.
A stream where I get to play anything I feel like/ sometimes the chat/ Revlo participants suggestions.

Not only have the details of my streams changed, but also the times.
I will now be starting at 8pm UK time, for a few hours each time.
This should hopefully allow more folk to join us ^_^

If you can't join me live, never fear, my VOD's are free to watch, but sometimes muted (especially the art streams due to copyrighted music).

With that in mind let's move on to...

YouTube

Now, I've been working on my Twitch consistently for a while; slowly improving as I go.
The downside is I've neglected my YouTube channel.
Well that's going to change.

I've set an upload schedule.
To start with I'll upload 3 times a week.

Monday and Friday will be when I upload video's taken from my 'Free For All Thursday' Twitch Stream.
Wednesday will be when I upload Super Smash Brothers WiiU Replays and other Smash Brothers related content.

In addition, once per month I will post a Speedpaint video taken from my 'Technical Tuesday' Twitch Stream.
This will be uploaded on a Sunday.


This schedule is in place as of now.
In fact, check out the first video in my play through of Pokémon Uranium bellow!



This is a starting point.
I intend to up the pace once I'm comfortable, with plans to create YouTube exclusive content in time.

That's about it for now.
Please check everything out.
Follow me on my Twitch
Subscribe to me on YouTube.

Watch a few videos, click a few adds and support small time Streamers and YouTubers!

Peace!

-DH-

General update.

Nope, nothing new to report really.
Just ramblings.

I've been working on stuff.
I've got a thing that has taken up a fair amount of time, but that will have to be fully completed before I blog about it.
You can catch some glimpses of it on my instgram as always!

Other than that I've been doing some painting, which you can check out on The Underhive Hero.
The most recent project is my Escher Gang for Necromunda, so go check that out.


I've been spending a fair whack of time on Twitch too.
I'm up to 8 followers, which is cool!
I'm still giving away a digital copy of the first Starbomb album, so if you're interested on that, or just want to support the various thing i do, then follow me on there :3


I'm attending my third Smash Bros tournament on 18/05/2016!
I'm still crashing our very early in the competition, but such is life when you want to main Jigglypuff in a world full of Fox and Falco mains.
I did improve on my HawxX Nest performance, by actually advancing in the knockout round!
Bu tit's not enough, so more games to be played in preparation for that!


Next weekend is Slam Dunk, and the week after that is the Uk Games Expo, which I'm looking forward to immensely.


That's pretty much me summed up to be honest.
So, yeah, until next time...
Peace.

-DH-

43 b. Revamp/reboot part 2.

Hi guys.
I have an update.

I have changed my mind, again!

TL;DR

The science of selling yourself short has always been a personal experience for me, and I feel that I may have had it backwards before.
yes The Cardboard Cartographer is the driving force behind this blogs readership, but you know what? That doesn't matter.
To maintain it's integrity it has to revert back to being that personal, cathartic experience it once was.

I do need to maintain some clarity and distinction of content.

To that end I have decided that The Cardboard Cartographer should have its own blog site.

http://thecardboardcartographer.blogspot.co.uk

And there it is! The new home of The Cardboard Cartographer.
I truly feel this is the bets move all round.
Not only does it provide The Cardboard Cartographer with its own distinct space to grow, but it also allows this blog to revert back to being, well, about me and my personal experience.

In addition, there will be varying content on here in the future.
All of my ideas and concepts will find their way to here.
I've been doing a lot of art work and posting it on my instagram so that will start to make an appearance here in the future.

If any of you guys are a fan of The Underhive Hero fear not! I have posted there too explaining that, essentially, it will maintain consistency and integrity too.

Obviously revamping all these blogs is now the new goal, and it will be a lot of work, so this month will probably be fairly devoid of posts.

I thank you for your patience and such.

See you all soon

-DH-