101. So what happened?

I think I've been putting off this update for a very long time, as it's a bit of a personal one, and quite hard to quantify while I was going through the worst of it.

I fell off the wagon a bit.

Without sounding like some hipster, new age stereotype, it's taken a lot of soul searching, self reflection and critical analysis (because it wouldn't be me otherwise, right?) to fully comprehend what the fuck happened to my state of being.

I think I've been forced to admit that, fundamentally, there is something more, something deeper going on in my life other than surface tensions, events and set backs.

I've known for a long time I'm a hyper critical, over analytical, over thinking, self deprecating individual.
I usually shrug this off as me being 'realistic' and 'aware,' but I think I have to acknowledge that it's something more.
I'm no Doctor, so I'm not going to self diagnose (at least, not with any conviction or certainty), but it's safe to say my mental health hasn't been the best, and maybe it never really has.

That's where the past...past comes in to play.

Being made redundant from my job in September/ October, gaining weight, drifting of social groups, lack of romantic attention, having friends manipulate me or others perceptions of me...
Everything on it's own is probably a problem I can deal with, but combined, they've just eaten away at my mental fortitude because of that hyper critical, self deprecating attitude I carry around with me.

Fast forward to the last 2 months.
I finally got a job. I thought I was moving forward.
But all that happened was I've taken a massive step backwards.
This new job exhausted me; physically and mentally.
Long hours, long monotonous drives, lack of mental engagement for the most part and then sudden, intense and highly stressful at others (pro tip, avoid driving in London).
Within the 6 weeks of doing this job I'd had all of the mental seals that hold my temper in check broken, I'd put on considerable weight (for me at any rate) and I was permanently exhausted and frustrated.
It got to the point that, whilst driving to London, I fell asleep at the wheel on the motorway.
This in itself is bad enough, but the very same thing happened the next day.

When this happened I knew my position was untenable: the effects it was having on my mental and physical state were too taxing for me, and totally not worth risking my life for.
I am aware that others do jobs like this all that time, and that's fair enough, but it just isn't something I can do.
More to the point, it wasn't something I was willing to put myself through just for the sake of money.

So I quit.
And with it I quit, well, everything.

You'll have noticed I stopped updating this blog, I stopped updating my hobby blog and I've taken two weeks off streaming.

I've needed it.
To rebuild my state of mind.
To clear my head.
To control my anger and frustration.

And I've started to feel the benefit of that.

I need to keep pushing forward and keep working on it.
The next step is to make progress on my physical shape, and probably to see a Doctor.

This all sounds like a success story; a tale of mental fortitude, but it isn't.
It's a tale of how fragile life can be, and how inconsequential things, if left alone, will fucking eat you alive if you don't deal with them.

Despite all the progress I've made in the last two weeks I'm still anxious, I'm still over thinking things I have literally no control over and I'm still a self deprecating, over critical mess.
I couldn't sleep last night because every time I did I was greeted by sleep paralysis style night terrors.

A lot of people I know are having problems right now, and this is my advice to you and them;
Don't suffer in silence, and don't suffer alone.
Build a support network of family and friends.
Speak to a Doctor and if necessary get therapy, medication...

Realise that the most important part of your life is yourself.
Sometimes you just have to focus on you; what you want, what will make you happy and ultimately, what you need.


That's all I got.
I'll try to get back to doing more interesting stuff again, but with the above in mind I'm making no promises.

-DH-

100. Breaking Up The Monotony.

I know all I've posted is my Twitch Show Guides recently.

I have been active online, just not here.

If you want to check out what I've been doing hobby wise, there is a good chunk of content on my Hobby Blog: The Underhive Hero.

I've been heavily invested in my Twitch Channel (as the WKS attest to).
I've upgraded each and every stream to have their own personal open/end slates, sourced fitting music for each show and spent some time developing my Discord server to help better 'my' community.
I guess it's starting to pay off. I average a follower a week.
I'd be very happy if I can get 100 followers in my first year.

With this commitment to streaming has come additional content for my YouTube.
Pokémon Uranium is progressing well, and while growth is slow here, I am still occasionally gaining followers.
I'm trying to figure out how to/ what to do for YouTube exclusive content.
I have a few ideas, so we'll have to see how it goes.


I'm genuinely sorry that I've not felt the urge to write anything here.
It's not that there isn't stuff to write about either...

The world is fucking falling apart.

Brexit. Theresa May. Trump

The western world is burning itself to the ground; Nationalism is the cry, but Fascism is the result.

The world and it's populace have exceed my capacity for stupid.
I'm burned out explaining, debating and arguing with people who just yell 'that's your opinion' or 'fake news.'

I need time to recharge, but unemployment isn't exactly a fitting environment for that.

It'll all come together in time.
I know it.

But right now, I feel like I'm in a rut and there isn't a way out.
Every aspect of my life has major problems and I have no solutions, other than to watching on while everything crumbles around me.

My creativity levels and suffering levels rise in tandem.
What's getting me down, is that I'm sure people should know this...
But while I get folk congratulate me on my hobby/ art/ whatever else, no one even asks the question...

Anyway, ramble ramble ramble.

I'll leave you with something that sums up my whole existence for the past few years, and probably the next few.

Passing Through A Screen Door - The Wonder Years.



Cigarette smoke dances back in the window,
And I can see the haze on the dome light
I'm conjuring ghosts on a forty hour ride home,
And they keep asking me what I'm doing with my life.

While my cousins go to bed with their wives.
I'm feeling like I've fallen behind.

Well, the highway won
I'm listening to traffic reports one on one
Coming quietly undone.
I was born to run
Away from anything good.
An escape artist's son
Sun-drenched pavement in my blood

The first thing that I do when I walk in is find a way out for when shit gets bad and...

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

Well I'm still afraid
Like a kid in the sixties
Staring at the sky
Waiting for the bomb to fall.
And it's all a lie
What they say about stability.
It scares me sometimes
The emptiness I see in my eyes.

And all the kids names I've ever liked recited tragedy.
Well, I don't want my children growing up to be anything like me.

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd say.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.

I keep a flashlight
And a small knife
In the corner of my bed stand.
I keep a flashlight
And the train times
But you wouldn't understand.
How could you understand?

Jesus Christ. I'm 26.
All the people I graduated with,
All have kids,
All have wives,
All have people who care if they come home at night.

Well, Jesus Christ, did I fuck up?

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.


Peace.

-DH-

99. Dungeons and Dragons custom dice.

Not quite the blog post I was planning to be first this year, however, it will suffice.

First of all;
I am sorry.

I have not kept up posting as I had wanted to do.
I have let myself down, and anyone who actually reads this.

Though at least I held true to the concept of not posting unless I have something to talk about.
(excluding my recent Twitch scheduling updates).

Second;

A lot of shit has happened over the last few months, and I guess I will come to them in due course, or not.
Processing this information is difficult, bewildering and sometimes rage inducing.
Brexit
Trump
Where do I even begin...

The world has gone to shit, but again, that is a topic for another post.

And finally;

Yes.
I am back.
I'm settled into a Twitch routine and a YouTube editing routine, so it is high time I set myself back on course with everything else.
Blogging and hobby blogging are two of the things I'd like to correct.

So, on that note, check out my most recent post on The Underhive Hero.
The Sisters of Battle are back!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Anyway, back on topic.

I've been back to playing Dungeons and Dragons recently.
(there are a lot of stories here too, but again, another time...)

I bought one of my friends a set of Green Black forest dice from Q workshop for Christmas.
(They play a Gnome Ranger in one of the campaigns we play in).

The dice are quite nice.



The only problem being that, in low light conditions, these numbers actually become quite hard to make out.
Especially on the D20.

So I offered to customise them a little, to
A ) Function better
and
B ) Suit her character a bit more (She is a rock gnome obsessed with gems and valuable metals).

So, here's what they look like with gold on them!



They are not 100% finished in this picture, but they are IRL.
All I used was 2/3 thin coats of Retributior Armour (a water based acrylic paint by Citadel).
Followed by a coat of spray satin varnish to seal them from wear and tear.

Done.

That's all for this post.
I'll endevour to do better blogging tin the future, so stay tuned.
You can check out my regular Twitch shows if you really want to see what I'm up to.

Until next time folks!

-DH-

General update.

Nope, nothing new to report really.
Just ramblings.

I've been working on stuff.
I've got a thing that has taken up a fair amount of time, but that will have to be fully completed before I blog about it.
You can catch some glimpses of it on my instgram as always!

Other than that I've been doing some painting, which you can check out on The Underhive Hero.
The most recent project is my Escher Gang for Necromunda, so go check that out.


I've been spending a fair whack of time on Twitch too.
I'm up to 8 followers, which is cool!
I'm still giving away a digital copy of the first Starbomb album, so if you're interested on that, or just want to support the various thing i do, then follow me on there :3


I'm attending my third Smash Bros tournament on 18/05/2016!
I'm still crashing our very early in the competition, but such is life when you want to main Jigglypuff in a world full of Fox and Falco mains.
I did improve on my HawxX Nest performance, by actually advancing in the knockout round!
Bu tit's not enough, so more games to be played in preparation for that!


Next weekend is Slam Dunk, and the week after that is the Uk Games Expo, which I'm looking forward to immensely.


That's pretty much me summed up to be honest.
So, yeah, until next time...
Peace.

-DH-

67. Twitch

So, if you didn't already know, I started a Twitch channel some time ago.

I started streaming on Twitch for a number of reasons that all stem from one feeling.

Frustration.

Self confidence is something I've had beaten out of me over the years.
As a result I'm not overly confident in my ability to anything.

So, a few years back I had the desire to start a YouTube channel.
Me and a Friend got super excited about it, and started making plans and doing research.
He was exactly what i thought I lacked; the 'not so grump' to my 'grump.'
But when push came to shove, he bailed.

This happens often, and eventually, I'd just had enough.

So I decided to go it alone.
I set up a channel, but couldn't bring myself to record anything, until Twitch happened.

Twitch gives you the ground to just make something.
No editing, no do overs.

So I started streaming, editing the recordings of streams, and uploading them to my YouTube channel.

While I've gotten better, this isn't really what I wanted to do.

I wanted to do YouTube because it would be fun.
I just want to share those moments with other people, and I do, on occasion, because of Twitch and YouTube.
But I want something more immediate.

So, here I am, frustrated again.
The wheels are in motion, but with no destination.
I was never one for wanderlust, so I'll try to find somewhere.

-DH-

44. #DearMe

Hey guys, this blog is a pretty personal one.
Just a warning.

So the 8rd of March was international Women's Day.

A bunch of my favourite female YouTuber's took part and offered up some great advice that they would give to their 13 year old selves if they could.
The hope being that people around the world can use this advice and reflections to help enrich their own lives, and make life easier to deal with

The concept is awesome and I honestly feel that it transcends any gender barriers.

I don't think what I'll write about my life would garner much attention, or be of much use, so i decided to consign it to here.

So.
#DearMe

Hey kid.
13 is the transition where you start becoming who you are in 2015, and probably forever.
For the most part I think you'll be pleased.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news though, the next few years are going to be really, really tough.
Dad's going to find himself in some serious health trouble. He'll be okay, but the after effects of this defining moment are going to shred everything you ever thought you knew about your family, and no one will be the same after this chain of events.
A couple of years down the road Mom and Dad are going to split up.
Life gets really fucking complicated after this, and you won't really talk to anyone about this for far too long.
If I had to pick one singular thing for you do differently, this would be it.
Don't hold it in.
You'll just retreat into yourself, and become a never ending source of hate, negativity, cynicism and paranoia.
I mean, sure, there is a positive, enigmatic and charismatic kid in there somewhere, but honestly, when people think of you that isn't what they'll associate with you.

As well as this you need to accept yourself for who you are.

I know you already have a very low amount of self esteem.
All those dickheads who treat you like shit, bully you, make you their running jokes, well, in the end you just don't really give a shit about them. When you grow up you just won't think of them the vast majority of the time.

However the damage they do now will haunt you forever if you let it.

You need to know that who you will become is actually a pretty decent guy, but if he had spent less time worrying about what other people thought about him, he would have had a much happier and constructive time in the years between then and now.
All of the problems you have, all of the insecurities and  idiosyncrasies, will solve themselves if you learn to love yourself.
you haven't yet, but that doesn't mean you won't, and it doesn't mean you're not loved.
You have some absolute wankers for friends, but you wouldn't trade them for the world, even if they're the least reliable bunch of bastards on a day to day basis, they will always be there for you when you really need them. You'll be there for them too.
The same goes for your family.
As much as a incoherent construct as it is, they are there for you.

While we're on the subject of being yourself, you should never throw away your dreams because 'they aren't employable' because if you sacrifice who you are, you won't be happy, also spoilers, your employable career path has yet to land you employment in that field.

That's not to say that it won't. You just have to want it, and do your best each and every day and you will get there.

The world is very different today than it was in 2002. The best part of that is that you can do what makes you happy for a living (yes, even play video games).
So when you eventually get to you A Levels in Art in 2007, and you don't think their methods are constructive or intuitive to how you think Art is done, stick with that conviction and carry on outside of academia.
You'll regret the skills you'll lose from inactivity when you come back to that way of thinking.

Everything kinda levels out. 
You're tough enough to deal with what life throws at you, even when it feels like you're not.

Another curve ball that hits you is when Cindy dies.
That cat was as old as you.
Some people will question why this matters to you, people who should know better.

Cindy was an anchor. A safety net.

Everything went to shit. Everything changed.
But every time you came home, you knew if you went to Dad's you'd find her, vegging out on the window ledge.
She was your constant, and again, life just isn't the same after she's gone.
You just never feel as grounded as you used to.

The best thing you've done for yourself is taking pictures of her.
She'll be with you forever as a reminder that life was simple once.
A reminder of that some things never change.


Your life will take twists and turns, have highs and lows.
You'll make more mistakes and bad judgement calls that you care to mention.
The people who are meant to love you are going to fuck you up in the worst way.
Over, and over.
And you'll let this haunt you forever.
 Sometimes you'll feel isolated and like giving in. But you wont. That isn't who you are.
You are stronger than that, even if you have to rant and rage about things sometimes.
These negative experiences and emotions will destroy you if you let them.
Everyone has the strength inside them to grab this negativity and wrestle it into a semblance of calm.
This is the positive aspects of your life asserting themselves, and yeah, sometimes you'll think that there are none, but they exist. You will always have things to be thankful for, you just have to find them, and never, ever, be afraid to ask your friends, family or anyone else to help you find them.
Everything in life is a lesson, and the hardest lessons always teach you the most.
They'll mold who you are and shape your future.

I say this last part to you as much as I do to myself, or anyone else who reads this; Your life is in your own hands. You are the master of your own fate, your destiny, your  life.


So chin up. It doesn't get better for a long time, and hell, it isn't fantastic now.
I know it sounds bleak.
But you make it.

You're still here.

Your family, as fractured as it is, is still here.
Your friends are still here, even if they've moved around the country and you don't even see some of them anymore.

You'll have hope, dreams, plans and the freedom to do them.
And that itself is pretty awesome.


Oh. one more thing. When you're 18/19 and learning to drive. JUST FUCKING FINISH THE BASTARD THINGS. I'll thank you later.

-DH-

43 b. Revamp/reboot part 2.

Hi guys.
I have an update.

I have changed my mind, again!

TL;DR

The science of selling yourself short has always been a personal experience for me, and I feel that I may have had it backwards before.
yes The Cardboard Cartographer is the driving force behind this blogs readership, but you know what? That doesn't matter.
To maintain it's integrity it has to revert back to being that personal, cathartic experience it once was.

I do need to maintain some clarity and distinction of content.

To that end I have decided that The Cardboard Cartographer should have its own blog site.

http://thecardboardcartographer.blogspot.co.uk

And there it is! The new home of The Cardboard Cartographer.
I truly feel this is the bets move all round.
Not only does it provide The Cardboard Cartographer with its own distinct space to grow, but it also allows this blog to revert back to being, well, about me and my personal experience.

In addition, there will be varying content on here in the future.
All of my ideas and concepts will find their way to here.
I've been doing a lot of art work and posting it on my instagram so that will start to make an appearance here in the future.

If any of you guys are a fan of The Underhive Hero fear not! I have posted there too explaining that, essentially, it will maintain consistency and integrity too.

Obviously revamping all these blogs is now the new goal, and it will be a lot of work, so this month will probably be fairly devoid of posts.

I thank you for your patience and such.

See you all soon

-DH-

43. Revamp/ Reboot

So in my 'post - New Year' update I outlines how I want to push on this year and do a lot more stuff, both in regards to blogging and everything else.
Part of that involves a make over of all of my blogs.

I am torn about how to go about this.

I know for certain I need a new image host; Blogger has been using my G+ space to save photos at the moment.
While this is streamlined it is not the best solution for a number of reasons, the most pressing one currently is capacity.
I want to pump out more content, and more content means more pictures.
Currently the best option looks to be Flickr with 1TB of image storage space for free (I'm poor).
This will also allow me to (finally) have a functioning Galley feature!

The part I'm struggling with the most is an issue of saturation.
The science of selling yourself short started out as a one stop shop for all thing DarKHaZZl3, or what I was willing to share.
Over the last year or so it has grown somewhat.
Now I post issues of the Cardboard Cartographer on here, which account for the majority of my page views, and I also have The Underhive Hero on a separate blog.

Ideally I want to grow all of my blogs, however I recognise that The Cardboard Cartographer is what attracts the most views.
The question is; do I split The science of selling yourself short and the Cardboard Cartographer into two separate blogs?
An extension of this issue is I'd like to have my own domain name; hell I'd like to have my own independent website.
The issue with this is that I make no money on anything I do.
My IRL job would have to support all of my forays into internet space, and trust me, it doesn't pay well.
When I take into account all of my other projects that require funding too, I could realistically support one blog website.
Do I have it support all of my blogs, or just The Cardboard Cartographer?

I haven't decided yet, however, in the meantime I will be revamping the look and layout of The science of selling yourself short.
I may end up re-releasing all of the posts as I will no doubt have to re-edit them with new image codes.

Seeing as I mentioned other projects....
I've set myself a list of goals and resolutions for 2015 and, in some cases, beyond.

The one I'm pressing one towards currently is starting a podcast with one of my good friends.
Again, like the blog revamp, this requires some research and some funding; website hosts, podcast hosts...
We haven't got a name for the damn thing yet!
I am looking forward to it.
We were meant to do an audio test on the 17th/18th of January but I have quite a bad cold and my new computer has not turned up yet, so we are having to delay that. hopefully we can put out the first episode at the end of February.

Anyway, that is all for now.
Remember to check out my previous posts, and keep checking back for updates and such.

Peace
-DH-

++ Update ++

 I've decided to find a happy middle ground, at least for now.
The science of selling yourself short will continue to host The Cardboard Cartographer.
Each month I will post a new update, and a reworked original post.
These will fit a set format that will make for consistent quality overall.
Also this will allow for a the Gallery function to, well, function.

In addition The Underhive Hero will be expanding. Anything 'Art' related will be presented there.
Quite a few of my upcoming projects fit that description.

Stay tuned for further news.