100. Breaking Up The Monotony.

I know all I've posted is my Twitch Show Guides recently.

I have been active online, just not here.

If you want to check out what I've been doing hobby wise, there is a good chunk of content on my Hobby Blog: The Underhive Hero.

I've been heavily invested in my Twitch Channel (as the WKS attest to).
I've upgraded each and every stream to have their own personal open/end slates, sourced fitting music for each show and spent some time developing my Discord server to help better 'my' community.
I guess it's starting to pay off. I average a follower a week.
I'd be very happy if I can get 100 followers in my first year.

With this commitment to streaming has come additional content for my YouTube.
Pokémon Uranium is progressing well, and while growth is slow here, I am still occasionally gaining followers.
I'm trying to figure out how to/ what to do for YouTube exclusive content.
I have a few ideas, so we'll have to see how it goes.


I'm genuinely sorry that I've not felt the urge to write anything here.
It's not that there isn't stuff to write about either...

The world is fucking falling apart.

Brexit. Theresa May. Trump

The western world is burning itself to the ground; Nationalism is the cry, but Fascism is the result.

The world and it's populace have exceed my capacity for stupid.
I'm burned out explaining, debating and arguing with people who just yell 'that's your opinion' or 'fake news.'

I need time to recharge, but unemployment isn't exactly a fitting environment for that.

It'll all come together in time.
I know it.

But right now, I feel like I'm in a rut and there isn't a way out.
Every aspect of my life has major problems and I have no solutions, other than to watching on while everything crumbles around me.

My creativity levels and suffering levels rise in tandem.
What's getting me down, is that I'm sure people should know this...
But while I get folk congratulate me on my hobby/ art/ whatever else, no one even asks the question...

Anyway, ramble ramble ramble.

I'll leave you with something that sums up my whole existence for the past few years, and probably the next few.

Passing Through A Screen Door - The Wonder Years.



Cigarette smoke dances back in the window,
And I can see the haze on the dome light
I'm conjuring ghosts on a forty hour ride home,
And they keep asking me what I'm doing with my life.

While my cousins go to bed with their wives.
I'm feeling like I've fallen behind.

Well, the highway won
I'm listening to traffic reports one on one
Coming quietly undone.
I was born to run
Away from anything good.
An escape artist's son
Sun-drenched pavement in my blood

The first thing that I do when I walk in is find a way out for when shit gets bad and...

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

Well I'm still afraid
Like a kid in the sixties
Staring at the sky
Waiting for the bomb to fall.
And it's all a lie
What they say about stability.
It scares me sometimes
The emptiness I see in my eyes.

And all the kids names I've ever liked recited tragedy.
Well, I don't want my children growing up to be anything like me.

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd say.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.

I keep a flashlight
And a small knife
In the corner of my bed stand.
I keep a flashlight
And the train times
But you wouldn't understand.
How could you understand?

Jesus Christ. I'm 26.
All the people I graduated with,
All have kids,
All have wives,
All have people who care if they come home at night.

Well, Jesus Christ, did I fuck up?

I've been looking for
Tears in the screen door (tears in the screen door).
I've been waiting for
Another disaster (another disaster).

But I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.
I was kinda hoping you'd stay.


Peace.

-DH-

General update.

Nope, nothing new to report really.
Just ramblings.

I've been working on stuff.
I've got a thing that has taken up a fair amount of time, but that will have to be fully completed before I blog about it.
You can catch some glimpses of it on my instgram as always!

Other than that I've been doing some painting, which you can check out on The Underhive Hero.
The most recent project is my Escher Gang for Necromunda, so go check that out.


I've been spending a fair whack of time on Twitch too.
I'm up to 8 followers, which is cool!
I'm still giving away a digital copy of the first Starbomb album, so if you're interested on that, or just want to support the various thing i do, then follow me on there :3


I'm attending my third Smash Bros tournament on 18/05/2016!
I'm still crashing our very early in the competition, but such is life when you want to main Jigglypuff in a world full of Fox and Falco mains.
I did improve on my HawxX Nest performance, by actually advancing in the knockout round!
Bu tit's not enough, so more games to be played in preparation for that!


Next weekend is Slam Dunk, and the week after that is the Uk Games Expo, which I'm looking forward to immensely.


That's pretty much me summed up to be honest.
So, yeah, until next time...
Peace.

-DH-

44. #DearMe

Hey guys, this blog is a pretty personal one.
Just a warning.

So the 8rd of March was international Women's Day.

A bunch of my favourite female YouTuber's took part and offered up some great advice that they would give to their 13 year old selves if they could.
The hope being that people around the world can use this advice and reflections to help enrich their own lives, and make life easier to deal with

The concept is awesome and I honestly feel that it transcends any gender barriers.

I don't think what I'll write about my life would garner much attention, or be of much use, so i decided to consign it to here.

So.
#DearMe

Hey kid.
13 is the transition where you start becoming who you are in 2015, and probably forever.
For the most part I think you'll be pleased.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news though, the next few years are going to be really, really tough.
Dad's going to find himself in some serious health trouble. He'll be okay, but the after effects of this defining moment are going to shred everything you ever thought you knew about your family, and no one will be the same after this chain of events.
A couple of years down the road Mom and Dad are going to split up.
Life gets really fucking complicated after this, and you won't really talk to anyone about this for far too long.
If I had to pick one singular thing for you do differently, this would be it.
Don't hold it in.
You'll just retreat into yourself, and become a never ending source of hate, negativity, cynicism and paranoia.
I mean, sure, there is a positive, enigmatic and charismatic kid in there somewhere, but honestly, when people think of you that isn't what they'll associate with you.

As well as this you need to accept yourself for who you are.

I know you already have a very low amount of self esteem.
All those dickheads who treat you like shit, bully you, make you their running jokes, well, in the end you just don't really give a shit about them. When you grow up you just won't think of them the vast majority of the time.

However the damage they do now will haunt you forever if you let it.

You need to know that who you will become is actually a pretty decent guy, but if he had spent less time worrying about what other people thought about him, he would have had a much happier and constructive time in the years between then and now.
All of the problems you have, all of the insecurities and  idiosyncrasies, will solve themselves if you learn to love yourself.
you haven't yet, but that doesn't mean you won't, and it doesn't mean you're not loved.
You have some absolute wankers for friends, but you wouldn't trade them for the world, even if they're the least reliable bunch of bastards on a day to day basis, they will always be there for you when you really need them. You'll be there for them too.
The same goes for your family.
As much as a incoherent construct as it is, they are there for you.

While we're on the subject of being yourself, you should never throw away your dreams because 'they aren't employable' because if you sacrifice who you are, you won't be happy, also spoilers, your employable career path has yet to land you employment in that field.

That's not to say that it won't. You just have to want it, and do your best each and every day and you will get there.

The world is very different today than it was in 2002. The best part of that is that you can do what makes you happy for a living (yes, even play video games).
So when you eventually get to you A Levels in Art in 2007, and you don't think their methods are constructive or intuitive to how you think Art is done, stick with that conviction and carry on outside of academia.
You'll regret the skills you'll lose from inactivity when you come back to that way of thinking.

Everything kinda levels out. 
You're tough enough to deal with what life throws at you, even when it feels like you're not.

Another curve ball that hits you is when Cindy dies.
That cat was as old as you.
Some people will question why this matters to you, people who should know better.

Cindy was an anchor. A safety net.

Everything went to shit. Everything changed.
But every time you came home, you knew if you went to Dad's you'd find her, vegging out on the window ledge.
She was your constant, and again, life just isn't the same after she's gone.
You just never feel as grounded as you used to.

The best thing you've done for yourself is taking pictures of her.
She'll be with you forever as a reminder that life was simple once.
A reminder of that some things never change.


Your life will take twists and turns, have highs and lows.
You'll make more mistakes and bad judgement calls that you care to mention.
The people who are meant to love you are going to fuck you up in the worst way.
Over, and over.
And you'll let this haunt you forever.
 Sometimes you'll feel isolated and like giving in. But you wont. That isn't who you are.
You are stronger than that, even if you have to rant and rage about things sometimes.
These negative experiences and emotions will destroy you if you let them.
Everyone has the strength inside them to grab this negativity and wrestle it into a semblance of calm.
This is the positive aspects of your life asserting themselves, and yeah, sometimes you'll think that there are none, but they exist. You will always have things to be thankful for, you just have to find them, and never, ever, be afraid to ask your friends, family or anyone else to help you find them.
Everything in life is a lesson, and the hardest lessons always teach you the most.
They'll mold who you are and shape your future.

I say this last part to you as much as I do to myself, or anyone else who reads this; Your life is in your own hands. You are the master of your own fate, your destiny, your  life.


So chin up. It doesn't get better for a long time, and hell, it isn't fantastic now.
I know it sounds bleak.
But you make it.

You're still here.

Your family, as fractured as it is, is still here.
Your friends are still here, even if they've moved around the country and you don't even see some of them anymore.

You'll have hope, dreams, plans and the freedom to do them.
And that itself is pretty awesome.


Oh. one more thing. When you're 18/19 and learning to drive. JUST FUCKING FINISH THE BASTARD THINGS. I'll thank you later.

-DH-

41. Let's give it up for the New Year

Happy New year I guess.

  Before we get into this new dawn, let us spare a thought or two for the year that has just passed.

Good fucking riddance!

2014 was not a great year for me. I'm pretty sure I spent from mid January hating almost every moment of it.

Which is a bit of an odd notion.
I have never had the urge to do as many things as I have this year.
I have been really inspired to do what I love and to try not to give a fuck about those who look down on it.
But the whole year was just bad thing after bad thing happening to me and my family.
That just created this bubbling pit of apathy and anger, which crept into everything I did and made me not enjoy, well, anything.

You cans see this in the inconsistency of my updates, and the lack of constructive posts outside of The Cardboard Cartographer.

The last 6 weeks have been a massive turn around. I threw caution to the wind and just got out.
I tried to see all the bands I enjoy, tried to see as many people as possible a soften as I felt the need, and tried to drag myself away from looking back at the past.
This culminated in one of the best New years eve's ever; surrounded by friends, enjoying life.

I want to look forward.


So that brings me to 2015.
A New Year. A new start. More clichés.

I hate that shit. But for once, I'm going to indulge in that idea.

I want to get back to begin me minus the depressive state of mind that has plagued me since forever.

So maybe lets talk resolutions.
I mean, they should be for life, not just for the New Year right?

My resolution is a bit of a cop out I guess.
Make a list of things I want and achieve that.
I want to do more. Make more. Live more.
Be happy more.

I guess it is the bucket list idea, but instead of just a one off experience, it will be goals to consistently work towards.


So that is it.
Stay tuned for more from The Cardboard Cartographer this year, and hopefully other stuff too.
I want to see if I can beat the 22 posts from this year.

Only time will tell.

-DH-